I Talk to Weeds and They Talk Back

Today as I was leaving the house for a little walk-about with my pal Lydia, I heard them. The dandelions on my lawn were twittering, mocking me, daring me to look upon their yellow faces. All the other chemically treated lawns in the neighborhood were bemoaning the weeds and tsk- tsking my "slovenly" garden. Lydia and I did our best to walk with our heads held high, but not before I heard one particularly sassy weed (with 3 flower heads) say -- "I told you we were safe...." and that my friends broke the proverbial straw. As soon as we got home I headed straight to the garage, where upon I heard more sniggering and took out "THE WEAPON of DANDELION DESTRUCTION." I set upon them mercilessly, with my yellow bucket in one hand and my dandelion killer in the other, attacking crab grass, clover and dandelions.

As you can imagine the clover was charming alright, with that slight Irish burr and a nervous "Top o' the Morning to ye Missy!" but I was having none of it. I could hear the moans of the injured dandelions and the derisive fits of swearing from the crab grass but it only served to harden my resolve. The morning commuters passed me, then the school children but nothing was stopping my silver dandelion dagger and I from wiping those weeds from the face of my lawn. I made an inroad on those suckers and stopped only after I had filled and emptied two small buckets worth of weeds and earned a huge blister on my palm.

Only 8 visible dandelion heads remained and I vowed with my fist in the air that I would be back tomorrow to finish them off. I heard no more sounds from the survivors and I went inside feeling I had won the battle. Later on as I was coming home from an errand and closing the garage door I happened to hear a small but pronounced "ha ha" coming from my front yard. One of the survivors had managed to turn white and was threatening to spew it's venom. "Not on my watch!" I yelled, and ran once again to retrieve my weapon. I've come in now, and am resting uneasily on my couch. I can't wait to hear what they have to say for themselves tomorrow.